Posted in poetry

Stubborn

Stubborn

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago, but it didn’t seem right at the time, so I never posted it. I came back to it tonight and found that all it needed was a new title, a couple of word changes, and one line added in. It feels like a whole new poem now. So weird how that happens.

–Leanne

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Posted in introspection, poetry, struggle

Ghost

Ghost  There I was, the girl sitting alone at a table in Whole Foods, licking chocolate off my fingers, heart in my head, guitar in my ears, stars lost in cynical fear, convinced no one could see my existence under the florescent hue. So I licked away, sucking on every knuckle until I’d captured all the chocolate, hands cleansed of the transgression, no trace that it ever happened, no evidence that I’d been there at all.   Tomorrow is my dead sister’s birthday, but you’d never know that.

Tonight is one of those nights that I could rant forever about what’s on my mind. Often though, I feel like I’ve already exhausted writing about my struggles. There are only so many times you can fill page after page with emotional drama, self-doubt, existential questioning, etc. There comes a point where you have to acknowledge it but figure out a way to channel everything you’d scribble in terribly written prose into something productive. I don’t want to dwell on struggle. I want to live today and love today. Everything is fleeting.

Happy birthday dear Becky.

–Leanne Rebecca

Posted in death, life, poetry

Never Again

Never Again  I do what I can to avoid that place, that head space when I needed an end to escape friendlessness, the torment not being able to feel my own breathing, a carcass driving aimless going nowhere, those days alone listening to song after song, wishing home felt like home, wishing my voice could rise, that invisible me could be seen.   Those days may have died as I learned to dispose of emotion, crying out the suicide, leaving the drops of intention to dry in a trail behind. But the scar still haunts, still taunts at this heart, whispers no one else can hear or know to understand, to allow my hand to hold a little tighter, to feel their pulse against mine, to help me feel alive.   I do what I can to avoid that place, incessant texts, aggressive pursuit of connection, random sex and make out sessions, singing as loud as scabbed lungs will allow, forcing your fingers in mine and pulling you close, begging you to stay so that I’m not alone, afraid, betrayed by the yesterdays when the threat of death was the only time I felt relevant.   —Leanne Rebecca

Tonight I’m obsessed with the song “Scene Four – Don’t You Ever Forget About Me” by Sleeping with Sirens. I’m pretty sure my roommate hates me because I just played it about 7 times in a row:

Don’t you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it’s because you can’t stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
So you can’t stop thinking about me
Don’t stop thinking about me

Do you really think you could see this through
Put on a smile and wear it for someone new
Don’t you do it
‘Cause I know I’m not the easiest one to love
But every ounce I have
I invest in you
But no one said love’s not for taking chances

Hitting home.

–Leanne Rebecca

Posted in art, poetry, writing

Holding On

Holding On   He didn’t remember gasping at 4am, suffocating on his own spit, drowning from the inside out, tinged the same gray-blue as his eyes squinting through water at the hospice nurse as she suctioned his airway.   He woke the next day to a ring of his children around his bed, aged faces laced in silence, not knowing what to say to a man that watched his wife die two weeks earlier, a spectator from three feet away.   Dad, it’s ok, they spoke up, words disappearing like wind, an obligatory breeze disregarding how close he’d come to letting go.   He didn’t know why they’d come or why they were blinking tears, but they were sorry his throat hurt.

I’ve been MIA. I know it. You know it too and I owe you an explanation:

I’m currently editing a poetry book that has been a couple years in the making. It’s nearing the stage of “completion,” which I put in quotations because I’m not sure I will ever be able to say I’m 100% satisfied with my writing. Poetry is a process that takes time and evolves as we grow and change. Anyway, I’m throwing myself into the collection and sadly as a result, I’ve held my breath on here.

I’m sorry!

Posts might be sparse in the upcoming weeks as I work through the editing process and enter into the nightmare that is the publishing world. I promise I will never forget you and even in the silence, I hear you.

Thank you for your patience.

–Leanne Rebecca

Posted in art, Music, poetry, twenty one pilots, writing

A Car, A Torch, A Death

A Car, A Torch, A DeathNow’s the moment when I admit weakness…

I’ve failed to post my regular Saturday series for weeks. I have no excuse, except to say I’m human and anything but perfect. But it’s the new year and time to get back on track.

So, per my usually usual Saturday series, I give you a poem inspired by the title of a Twenty One Pilots’ song. Find the archives of all my TOP titled poetry under my featured tab and as always, give a listen to the band that’s held my hand with interlocked fingers for all of 2013 below.

Posted in art, Music, poetry, twenty one pilots, writing

The Pantaloon

Last night I went to my 5th twenty one pilots concert in less than a year. They added one of my favorite songs to their set, an older one from a few years ago. Experiencing the song in person reinforced my admiration for the story behind the lyrics and the brilliance of the musicality. It’s a track I’ve listened to at least a thousand times and I never expected to hear it live. Long story short, it made choosing tonight’s poem simple, since Saturdays are conveniently my ‘twenty one pilots titled poetry‘ days. I present to you, my version of “The Pantaloon:”The PantaloonAs always, check out the twenty one pilots version too!

 

Posted in Josh Dun Poetry Corner, Music, poetry, twenty one pilots, writing

Serenity

SerenityToday is day 7 of Heart Week on She’s in Prison. This morning I walked in the St. Louis Congenital Heart Walk in memory of my sister that died from a CHD as well as in honor of friends that have fought and are still fighting for their lives. I felt utterly blessed to volunteer side by side with my family, friends, and an entire community that has been impacted by CHD. Somehow it feels right that this last post is also a Josh Dun Poetry Corner poem because the music of twenty one pilots has touched my heart in a way I can barely describe with a metaphor. Thank you to everyone that has shown their support over the past 7 days!

 

Posted in poetry, writing

Hidden Inside

Hidden Inside

Day 5 of Heart Week is dedicated to my sister Becky, the light in my parent’s eyes that shined for 16 bright months, fighting for her life with a smile every step of the way.  My family is walking this Sunday in the St. Louis Congenital Heart Walk not only in remembrance of my sister who died from a CHD, but for all those impacted by congenital heart defects. Join us in honoring them and their families by finding a walk in your area and/or donating to CHD research.

Go HERE for more information.

Posted in poetry, writing

Pure Love

Pure Love

Day 4 of Heart Week is celebrating my mom, who buries her pain every day as the founding president of the Children’s Heart Foundation Missouri Chapter. Even though she went through the tragedy of losing her daughter, she found the strength and willpower to not only keep living but to give unconditionally to those around her. My family is walking this Sunday in the St. Louis Congenital Heart Walk not only in remembrance of my sister who died from a CHD, but in support of my mother, the most selfless person I know. Join us in honoring all those born with CHDs and their families by finding a walk in your area and/or donating to CHD research.

Go HERE for more information.

Posted in poetry, writing

Simple Counting

Simple Counting

Today is day 3 of Heart Week on She’s in Prison in honor of all those born with congenital heart defects. On August 25th, I am walking in the St. Louis Congenital Heart Walk in memory of my sister Rebecca Lyn and in support of friends, new and old, and their families. Please help me raise awareness and funds for CHD research by donating and/or finding a walk in your city!

Go HERE for more information.