Posted in art, poetry, writing

To Have You

To Have You  I swallow nostalgia with the mucus building up in the back of my throat, a ball of what once was scratching as if I’d tried to take a pill without water.  Behind every blink I see flashes of friendship, come and gone, the days when I never feared lonely afternoons, when tomorrow was a hopeful word, when I didn’t want to run from today and expunge yesterdays  with a worn out pencil eraser, a smeared memory not quite deleted.  Those were the days of club dancing, sleeping until noon, pajama parties and vodka, when none of us really cared that we didn’t have boyfriends because we had each other.  I swallow the nostalgia, the distance of our cities stuck at the back of my throat, a lump growing like a tumor as we get older and farther away from the days of not caring that we don’t have boyfriends.

Today is one of the rare afternoons on a weekday that I have nothing to do. It’s in those times that I tend to think too much, thinking about every aspect of my life, and not in a healthy way. I have a habit of looking too closely at the minutes of a day, wondering too much about why I’m doing what I’m doing and making a list of all the things that are missing. I envy the people that live so carefree, loving the moment and embracing alone time with love. I wonder if they’re acting.

I hope you catch some sunshine today!

–Leanne Rebecca


Poetry and music.

4 thoughts on “To Have You

  1. I like and the reflective thought in this. I’m not caring about not having a girlfriend though, and I’m not feeling lonely, though I am feeling sick of myself. I was literally just talking to a friend about this. I’ve had a feeling of disgust in the pit of my stomach all day, looking back on my questionable decisions and the empty flirtationships I’ve settled for the past several years, that I’ve wasted so much time on. The world feels old and new at the same time to me. I’m feeling older and yet newer, and confused about what to do. Gotta take a day at a time, as the cliche goes, I suppose. I would offer to take you up on that offer of getting coffee sometime, but my car’s battery is dead (getting it charged this week, thank god) and I would not make for pleasant company anyway. Hope aging for us both can be taken with more grace. Noticed the tags on this entry, and wish I could be more compassionate today, having a hard day myself :\ Later Leanne.


    1. I think the hardest part of being an adult is realizing that while we might have people in our lives that care for us, ultimately it’s up to us to figure it all out. Nobody is out there to tell us if we are going at this the right way and its frustrating and scary to face the world sometimes. I’m sorry you’re having a hard day. How about coffee this weekend? Send me an email through my about page and I can give you my contact info.

      1. It said the site I sent the message from was which is what my old site address was, before …So it wasn’t someone impersonating me, if you are confused by the email!

      2. And agreed, it is frustrating and scary to face the world sometimes. So much of life seems touch and go, with us unsure of where we’re going in life, just a vague sense of hoping it’s got to better than the occasional lull of the present. The “good old days” are not something everyone has had, I suppose, too. Thanks for the reciprocal compassion Leanne.

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