Today someone said to me that the light in my eyes has returned. It struck me (in a good way) to hear that. I know the moment that it came back. It was the moment I decided to stop dating.
For three years I’ve bounced from date to date from guy to guy, crashing and burning over and over and over again, convinced in the end that I was incapable of sustaining a romantic relationship, that I was somehow less than, unworthy. The more I dated the more I lost myself.
About a month ago I called it quits, not from exasperation, but from a deep desire to explore my own heart, discover what I love and feed my passions with as much attention as they deserve. For the first time in three years all the pressure is gone and I’m rediscovering the girl I once was, a girl unafraid to sing her spirit, that dances in the car like no one is watching.
I never thought I’d say that the best decision I ever made for myself was to stop dating, after all, we all want to find true love and everyone says the only way to find it is to put yourself out there. But if there’s one lesson I can take away from this last month of soul searching it’s that there’s no hurry.
In second grade I thought I was going to grow up to become a librarian. In fourth grade I saw a documentary about a cave diving marine biologist and decided I’d become a scientist, a dream that lasted until my senior year in high school when I realized I didn’t in fact like studying biology at all. Never through all those years did I think I’d grow up to be a poet. It’s a passion I fell into through taking a chance, one that took coaxing to start, but one I will never regret.
I’ve written a lot about heartbreak lately, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. Poetry is the outlet that lets me heal, my real true love. No matter where my heart drifts or cracks, it will always have a home in words. Thank you for listening and letting me sing.
I’ve been thinking about love lately–if you couldn’t tell from most of the poems decorating the past several months on here–and in thinking about love I’ve been thinking about the “one.” Who is that person that we fall for and why? Why do we rarely end up with the person we grew up describing as our ideal partner? Why does unrequited love exist? You’d think if you feel that strong of a pull towards someone that they’d feel it back. It’s chemistry, right? Pure biology. But for whatever reason, it doesn’t always work that way, but maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason.
I’ve been on a Ghost Town kick lately. I first discovered the band about a year ago, listened a little, but for whatever reason wasn’t hooked. However a few weeks ago one of my friends made me a playlist with their song “Acid” on it. It’s a track I admittedly repeat over and over again as I’m driving. You could call me obsessed. The vocals draw me in almost like junk food. I just want more!! It got me thinking, what is it about certain songs or certain voices that attract different ears? For me, it’s the grit, the pain behind the sound. I’d always rather listen to something messy that throws emotion in your face than something perfected with stereotypical beauty. We all have our own preferences though, and mine certainly change with the seasons.
My friend Becca and I like to exchange writing prompts as a way to keep in touch (she lives on the east coast and I in the Midwest) and also to encourage each other to stretch our poetic muscles a bit. The last prompt was mine, and it proved a challenge, taking me a solid two weeks to produce. We were supposed to write about the first time we’d “met,” or in this case, the first time we saw each other. The prompt also came with a catch…it had to be the truth, regardless of what kind of light it placed the other person in. It’s been 5ish years since that fateful day, and I must say, she’s just as cool now as when she captivated me from across the room in our literary method class freshman year of college.
I recognize that maybe it’s scary to exchange this type of poem with a friend, vowing to tell the truth no matter what, but I promise it’s worth it. I loved writing this piece and I can’t wait to read what Becca thought of me all those years ago.
What would your best friends say about you the first time you locked eyes?
My relationship with the band Twenty One Pilots is one of vulnerability and absolute admiration. Today’s Josh Dun Poetry Corner says it all. See the archives of the Corner HERE or check back every Sunday for a new post.
Tonight’s post is part of my usual Saturday series of poems inspired by the titles of twenty one pilots songs. Check out the others in the series below and as always, check out twenty one pilots’ version of Addict with a Pen too.